ugh just had the first one of many, i’m sure. there were tears, snot, gross gasping noises, the whole bit. sometimes i think people don’t understand just how hard it is being a student, especially one who is applying to college. at my school, which is a very competitive and studious school, every teacher treats their own subject like it is the most fucking important one in the entire world, and don’t seem to understand that we have at least the same amount of work (and usually more) that they give us in like 6 other subjects. times have changed!! school is not how it used to be, and with college acceptance rates going down and down, the stakes are higher than ever.

i know i don’t have the best study methods, procrastination is my best friend, but when a teacher cannot effectively convey the information that we need to know, then it is out of my hands. i am so fucking tired of this ap stat class, all it does is stress me out and cause these kinds of little panic attacks for no reason. because our ENTIRE class (no exaggeration, we actually counted) does not understand chapters one and two, i think it’s fair to say that a test on those two chapters would be completely useless because we are all going to do shit poor anyway. ugh our teacher is so incompetent and irritating and disconnected from us it is SO hard to learn anything in that class. i hate missing school, i hate missing class, because i feel like i am going to miss something important that will help me get better grades, and that need that i have to always be learning is really starting to wear me down. i am a perfectionist, but i am always so stressed out about making sure my assignments are perfect that i am willing to sacrifice sleep and a healthy body to achieve a slight raise in my grade. it’s unhealthy, yeah, but it is what i know. 

now my eyes are stinging because i was crying without taking my mascara off first and that really sucks, and i have to teach myself two chapters of math that i am so far from understanding. and my college apps, which i just found out, are apparently a “piece of shit” as my mother tells me, so there is no way i am going to send them out on nov. first, even though i told my college counsellor i would. so there is that added to the heap of growing concerns that make me want to stay in bed and never leave. 

all i can say is second semester senior year can literally not come soon enough.

if you read this, i am giving you a hug right now. thanks for listening.